Two weeks after winter break ended…

From there it was all a lie wasn’t it? You were using me for my body, weren’t you?

Did you mean it when you said you still loved me?

Why did you have to lie about your family being the reason why we had to break up?

You told me to promise you when something was wrong. And I did.

I told you to promise me the same but you broke it.

Why didn’t you tell me that I was being too clingy? I could had changed that and you know it.

Space? You wanted space? You thought I was clingy?

I gave you space. I gave you SO MUCH space. So sue me if now and then I wanted to spend time with you!

In the beginning it was real.

But then things became surreal.
It didn’t feel real and I thought I was dreaming.
That was just so absurd.

Someone felt the same way? What?

I know. Absurd. Crazy. Lies.

But then… I slowly got used to some things.
What the hey, even if this is a dream…
I may as well enjoy it.

As

long,

as 

much,

as

possible.

Suddenly things changed.
The hugs hurt.
The hands hurt.
The time together hurt.

I didn’t know why and I didn’t know what was going on.
But they all did.

Things got better again,

and it happened.

To be honest, I had to actually think about it.
Was I sure?
Did I want him to have me? All of me?

And then I thought… why did I have to think about it? If I was in love, did I really have to think?

Either way though, I thought: He makes me happy; he wants to be with me. He feels the way, right? I’ll give him all of me, with no regrets.

[And even now I don’t.]

We were fine for a while but then we started to depart again. Disconnect.

And finally we did.

Yes, the break up hurt… and I’m being as strong as I can. I didn’t cry as much as I thought I would, as much as my friends thought I would, or even as much as my sister thought I would.

Like I said, I’m being as strong as I can.

But now I’m wondering… was I in love with him or not?

1112pm:

It will all make sense, in the end.

Of course they’re necessary.

I’m trying, I really am.

(Source: staypozitive)

I think I’m starting to be more all right now.

I mean, I will always wish we didn’t fall apart.
Sometimes I still think it’s my fault because I wasn’t a good girlfriend.

But I’m trying to think:

If it truly is my fault, then I will change to improve. I will change to be a better one for my next boyfriend, assuming that I ever do allow myself to fall in love with someone again… after you.

11.14.11 to 3.23.12

Those were the best four months that I’ve had in so so so long.

You made me so happy.

And I can’t believe that your family is the reason that we ended.

I want us to be together again.

I’m sorry I didn’t say this much, but I really do love you, so so much.

I know that you knew that. But I just wished I said that more.

Even on the day last when you said you still loved me. I wish I had replied back. 

I’m beginning to think that this was a mistake. “Us” is a mistake. Because we’re falling apart.

If we went into a long-distance.. then maybe we would be able to work. In a long-distance, you would be able to appreciate whenever we get the chance to talk… or maybe have countdowns of when we can finally see each other in person again.

Or would you prefer Alex instead? She’s pretty. She’s skinny. She’s smart.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD BE A HOME-WRECKER AND GO TO TAMMY.

GO.